God, Make Me a Warrior

June 2nd, 2023

I just received a letter from the Florida Board of Nursing about Scott.

It says they learned from the Office of Vital Statistics that Scott is deceased and so they have nullified his nursing license and moved his address of record from their database.

I want to scream “HOW DARE YOU??? He still lives here!!! And you can’t take his license!!! It is HIS; he worked hard for it AND he worked hard because of it and 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!!!”

I’m angry. And I know that it doesn’t make ANY sense to be angry about that. No, he doesn’t actually live here anymore, even though every glance about this house 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴 his memory at every moment. And no, he’ll never work as a nurse again but he lived and 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘥 taking care of other people when he was here so why would you want to strip his memory of that???

And so, again, I break. This fragile house of cards that I keep building over and over again just gets blown over in one…𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩.

These are the moments I have to remind myself that God is here, in even these details. See, this isn’t all flowers and rainbows and Heavenly clouds. I’m here almost every day telling you that you have to lean on God in all of these circumstances in my writing. And that’s still true. But I’m not going to tell you that it always “comes naturally” or is easy or is second nature at all times. I have to remind myself why I know where my help comes from. I have to purposely remember times where He has absolutely been there before and how I know it was Him. This whole thing is 𝙨𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙛𝙖𝙧𝙚, all of it! Satan tries, at every turn, to scream in my ear “Where is God now? Why bother worshipping Him if you can’t even feel Him here when you need Him the most?”

Oh, but God didn’t build me into a warrior for nothing. I’ve 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 for this. I never, ever wanted to fight in this kind of battle but I’m here for it. And when I feel angry or devastated or alone, I can remind myself of who I am and whose I am. I AM THE DAUGHTER OF A KING and our victories (mine AND Scott’s) have already been won, no matter what stupid obstacles get thrown in my way.

And maybe you can tell, from this writing, what happens when I make a conscious decision whose side I’m taking in this. My power comes back. It courses through me now as strongly as the anger did before. I am still sad and angry that this happened; that’s not going to change. But I can manage the effects of it better when He covers me.

So if you are feeling helpless, alone, overwrought, like this never-ending cycle is too exhausting and too much to bear, turn. Turn around and agree with His promises that He would never leave you or forsake you. You will 𝘯𝘰𝘵 suddenly feel overjoyed. The tragedy will not reverse itself. But you will feel an ability to keep going and fight back against the oppression of despair. He’s got you. Fight to get back to Him when you get pulled away. Even if your fight comes in a whisper or a scream.